Articles about self-judgement

My biggest lessons from 18 years of peaceful parenting.

Eighteen years ago I used to swim in the sea pool near my home every day when I was pregnant with my first child. Bobbing about like a small whale. It was summer, so the sea helped me keep cool and it took the weight off my legs.

I was excited and very, very nervous.

I had no idea of the wild, life-changing adventure that was about to begin. Jeremy was born on 01/01/01 at 1.01am.
I kid you not.
Just after the fireworks had ended to bring in the new millennium.

01/01/01 sounded like some sort of crazy-weird numerology to me. I have no idea about numerology, but life sure got crazy after he was born.

He was born at home, in a blow-up paddle pool in the tiny living room. I had my darling husband and my best friend holding onto me as I screamed my way through labour. After he was born I sat in the pool for ages with him lying on my chest. Just stunned and amazed. Completely in awe.

The story of my life had just taken the most astonishing twist. Everything was different.

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The most effective form of self-care for parents.

I used to believe that the best self-care was to have time away from my children. I was desperate for a break from their demands for attention and I felt overwhelmed and exhausted.

Getting away from my children, even if only for an hour or two was something I craved. I wanted walks in nature, relaxing baths, personal shopping, chats with friends and time with my husband. These were precious pleasures and I still very much enjoy them today.

As important as it was, this “me time” was not enough to sustain me in the long term, especially once I made the choice to home educate my two sons. We were going to be spending a LOT of time together and it was going to be a long haul. I knew that I wanted more than just coping strategies. I wanted my parenting years to be joyful. So I set my sights on discovering a life free from constant stress and emotional turmoil. I wanted inner peace – not just while I was in the bath or out of the house, but while I was with my kids in the thick of our messy family life.

These are my top 3 suggestions for self-care.

If you want self-care that’s going to bring long term transformation and joy into your life, here’s what I suggest:

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Don’t blame me!

 

TO BLAME: To think or declare that someone is responsible for a fault or wrong.

Most of us blame without giving it a moment’s consideration. We blame others for hurting us. We blame our child for making a huge mess and ruining our day. We blame our parents for criticising or neglecting us. We blame our partner for not loving us in the way that we want. We blame the guy who ran over our cat and we blame Hitler for starting the Second World War. We are so used to blaming and being blamed that we think it is an inescapable part of human life. If that is what you wish to keep thinking, then read no further. Because I am on a mission to end blame. I want a world without blame, for myself and for all of us.

Never having to say Sorry
I want to be free of my deeply ingrained habit of accepting blame. I want to live without fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. I want to be free of the pain of believing that someone else’s suffering is my fault. I want an end to wallowing in self-judgement and to live without needing to say “I’m sorry.” I have been making myself wrong and apologising my whole life and I’ve had enough. I want to give myself a chance to love and give and shine without the fear of blame.

Refusing to accept blame does not mean that I take no responsibility. In fact I am willing to take 100% responsibility for my own actions, words, thoughts and feelings. But I am no longer willing to take responsibility for anybody else’s. That means that you can go on believing that I ruined your life (or whatever) and I can be quite clear that I am not, and never were, to blame for how you feel. Continue Reading →