Articles about gaming

How to solve problems with your children without threats, bribes or limits.

Can you guess what most of the parents I hear from say they want?

They want to solve a problem they are having with their child!

Maybe you are in the same boat. Something is driving you crazy and you’re at the end of your tether.

You’re a mum or dad that has a commitment to peaceful parenting and you don’t use harsh punishments like smacking or shaming. But in times of stress things come out of your mouth that shock you. You are suddenly aware that you sound just like your mother or father.

You find yourself resorting to threats even though you don’t want to follow through with them. In desperation you offer bribes but the “price” keeps going up! Setting limits and making rules seem to be a breeze for other parents but you end up in constant battles that go nowhere. These old tactics just aren’t working.

How do you end the struggles, find peaceful solutions and not feel like your children are walking all over you?

I’ve got the answer, even though it’s probably very different to what you’ve come across before. You might think its too way-out-there at first. It’s a process that has worked for me time and time again to tackle every sort of problem that I’ve had with my children.

This approach is something I’ve been teaching my friends and clients for years but I haven’t written a blog post about it ……. until today.

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7 reasons not to set limits with your child.

How many times have you heard someone say that you should be setting clear limits for your child, as if this was the solution to most of the difficult problems that parents face? Many parents believe that if they aren’t setting limits, or they aren’t working effectively, that they are somehow failing.

There are at least 7 reasons why setting limits may not be ideal for your family.

  1. You may have a spirited or determined child who reacts strongly to having limits imposed on them. Some children are strong-willed by nature. They resist their parent’s attempts to control or limit them. This can lead to a great deal of yelling and fighting between parent and child and lingering bad feeling and resentment. No-one knows your child as well as you do. You will intuitively know if a top-down, parent-in-authority approach is not working well in your family.
  2. You may not enjoy the role of rule-maker or authority. Even though many of us were brought up to think that this was an essential part of being a parent, you may have other goals. You may want to be a parent who doesn’t try and control children with limits, consequences and boundaries. You may want to focus on respect and co-operation and finding solutions in partnership with your children.
  3. You may want your children to learn effective problem solving skills. If parents step in and set limits and rules there are missed opportunities for involving children in a problem solving process. When children are introduced to problem solving early in life they gain skills that they can apply throughout their lives. To show your children that there is always a way to find a win-win solution in any conflict is a very precious gift to give them.
  4. Some children appear to comply with limits but then act out in other ways. They may take their frustration out on a sibling or friend, or even start to harm themselves. There are many ways that children react to having power exercised over them and some of these can take years to surface. The fact is that most children hate to be restricted and controlled by their parents. There is a high probability that they will respond by lying, hoarding, sneaking or “acting out” at some stage.
  5. You may think that you love and accept your child while you set limits, but does your child see it this way? Whether a child feels unaccepted or unloved will be a determined by their personality, sensitivity and how many of their behaviours are deemed unacceptable by their parents. Do you want to take the risk that your child ends up feeling unloved when there are other, more peaceful ways of dealing with the issue?
  6. You may question the way that you were brought up and the values behind mainstream parenting. You may even be questioning your own ideas about how children “should behave” and traditional ideas about what behaviour is “right” and “wrong”. You may want to have a more heart-centred and intuitive relationship with your children that allows space for your child to explore, make mistakes and learn from them in a safe and supportive environment.
  7. Perhaps you simply don’t know what else to do. You may have resorted to setting limits because of your own frustration, resentment and overwhelm. Maybe you were feeling controlled by your child and that your own needs were not being met. You may have fallen into the trap of accepting behaviour that you really couldn’t handle. The good news is, it isn’t true that you have to opt for either setting limits or being overly permissive. There is another way.

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My sons love superheros and I am worried about the violence.

Post on Facebook: “Hi everyone, my 7yo boys currently love anything superhero. They have limited daily screen time and I try to give them as much choice as possible in how they use this (interesting iPad apps, access to certain websites, DVDs) but I feel like I’m constantly battling with them at the moment as all they want are superhero apps and superhero YouTube clips which I am not comfortable with as they have little substance and too much violence and they become obsessive about them. We have a wonderful busy and stimulating life outside of this one part of each day which has become a battleground.”

This is a question that was asked recently in a Facebook group I am in. It leapt out at me, both because of the superhero theme and because of the reminders of my own past struggles and the learning that I gained from them.

This was my response:

“I’m going to to go out on a bit of a limb here as this is such an important issue that I have struggled with myself in the past. It seems from what you say that you value peace and harmony and would like those qualities to be at the forefront of your children’s lives. And yet you say that you are constantly battling with your boys over this issue. I know what that can look and feel like as I went through the same things with my own two boys. I battled with them over their super-keen interest in fighting, questing, gaming, superheros, fantasy, shooting, weapons and all those related subjects. And what that looked like in practice was me getting frustrated, angry, yelling, threatening, trying to control through harsh words and manipulation etc. What I eventually came to realize is that all of these are forms of violence. It was emotional violence that my children were painfully aware of, even when it looked and sounded pretty mild by any conventional standards. And they were both highly sensitive to my words, actions and attitudes. I realized that if I really wanted peace and harmony that I needed to
make these a priority in my relationship with them. I know that my way of relating to them has SO much more impact on their wellbeing than anything they watch on TV or any game they play. Continue Reading →

Are you worried that your child is addicted to video games?

When you think about the amount of time that your child spends playing video games do the words “obsession” and “addiction” come to mind? Do you fear for your child’s physical and mental health? Is this an issue that keeps you awake at night? This is THE hot topic among parents that I talk to. It generates a huge amount of stress for parents and conflict in families. It’s a big topic and one that is beyond the scope of one post so I am going to focus on one key issue; the fear of gaming addiction.

At the heart of this fear of addiction is the belief that there is something about gaming itself that has the capacity to overwhelm free will and draw a child into a pattern of behaviour that is genuinely harmful. This belief places the child in the role of victim and assumes that the game (or gaming in general) is inherently dangerous. This belief fits comfortably with dominant beliefs in our society about the dangers of other addictive activities and substances. We either fear the activity or substance or we fear that we have an inherent weakness (such as a genetic predisposition) that makes us susceptible to it’s dangers. Either way, if you are believing that something is inherently harmful the most common reaction is to try and control and limit it. Placing time limits on video gaming is considered a responsible practice by many parents for this reason. Some parents take the next step and ban gaming altogether.

What if gaming was not the problem, but rather part of the solution?

What if limiting gaming actually increases the likelihood of compulsive gaming and its negative side effects? Continue Reading →

The wisdom of gaming

I think most parents would accept that it is important for children to have time to play. In fact, many of us think that it is great for children to have lots of time to play. Things get more complicated when we start to talk about different types of play. When I was a child I spent a lot of time playing outdoors. I climbed trees, mucked around in the backyard, played games of cricket in the street with neighbours and siblings, went exploring in the bush nearby and spent hours playing with friends in the local pool. When indoors I liked to build and to make things. All of these activities were encouraged by my parents and seen as good, healthy forms of play. Flash forward to the lives of my own two children and things look a lot different.

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