TO BLAME: To think or declare that someone is responsible for a fault or wrong.
Most of us blame without giving it a moment’s consideration. We blame others for hurting us. We blame our child for making a huge mess and ruining our day. We blame our parents for criticising or neglecting us. We blame our partner for not loving us in the way that we want. We blame the guy who ran over our cat and we blame Hitler for starting the Second World War. We are so used to blaming and being blamed that we think it is an inescapable part of human life. If that is what you wish to keep thinking, then read no further. Because I am on a mission to end blame. I want a world without blame, for myself and for all of us.
Never having to say Sorry
I want to be free of my deeply ingrained habit of accepting blame. I want to live without fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. I want to be free of the pain of believing that someone else’s suffering is my fault. I want an end to wallowing in self-judgement and to live without needing to say “I’m sorry.” I have been making myself wrong and apologising my whole life and I’ve had enough. I want to give myself a chance to love and give and shine without the fear of blame.
Refusing to accept blame does not mean that I take no responsibility. In fact I am willing to take 100% responsibility for my own actions, words, thoughts and feelings. But I am no longer willing to take responsibility for anybody else’s. That means that you can go on believing that I ruined your life (or whatever) and I can be quite clear that I am not, and never were, to blame for how you feel.
Knowing my True Self
I have been drawn into questioning blame as a result of my own spiritual journey. This has been a journey deep into my own identity and my own knowing of truth. I have discovered that I am not who I thought I was. I am not just a separate individual with a body, personality and identity. I am a soul that has been through many lives and that chose this life in order to grow and learn. I know that this soul is itself an aspect of timeless, magnificent, divine Oneness.
I know that there is nothing outside of who I am. There is nothing outside of Oneness. There is no wrongness or evil that is not a concept in my mind that I have learned from others. The circumstances that I see around me have no objective meaning. They only have the meaning that I have placed onto them. My feelings are my best indicator of which direction I should take. They are my own personal inner compass. When I feel negative feelings it is because I am believing something about my circumstances that isn’t true from the perspective of Oneness-consciousness. From the point of view of Oneness there are only experiences and circumstances that we choose in order to learn and expand. I chose to experience things that stirred up strong negative feelings in order that I could rediscover my own true nature as love, kindness and joy.
A childhood spent learning about blame
I have experienced a great deal of blame in my life. Or perhaps I was simply very sensitive to it. I felt it to the core when I was blamed for something and I also felt for anyone else who I heard attacked and blamed.
Blame is so deeply embedded in our culture. From our earliest days we hear our actions and those of others described as right or wrong. And for every action described as wrong there must be someone who is at fault, someone who is to blame for it. Sometimes that person is punished for their wrong. At other times the pain of being blamed and of accepting blame is enough. Because every situation in which someone is made wrong and blamed is painful.
As I was growing up I experienced periodic cyclones of accusation, judgement and blame. There was the everyday, background-level blame around minor family incidents. I could handle all of that. And then there were these huge flare-ups of emotional violence. I wasn’t usually on the receiving end of the blame. But I witnessed it’s devastating power on others. Those were times that really affected me deeply. I felt a lot of fear and isolation and I took things very personally. I willingly absorbed a lot of blame. This set up a pattern in my life of attracting people who would get angry and blame me.
The pain of blame
The pain associated with blame is immense. For the person being blamed there is self-judgement and self-punishment if the blame is accepted. If the self-judgement is unresolved it can harden into shame. Acceptance of blame can bring on a deep belief in unworthiness that is very hard to shake off. Or, alternatively, there is defence, righteous indignation or attack if the person being blamed rejects that blame. Things can easily spiral downward into arguments and violence.
For the person doing the blaming there is immense pain too. When you blame someone you are projecting your own suffering onto someone else. People blame others when they see themselves as a victim. To believe that you have been harmed or wronged by another is painful in itself. It arises out of believing ourselves to be a small, separate, vulnerable person in a big, scary world. If we believe this we must be constantly on guard, ready to defend or attack. And yet, this separate self is an illusion. Our true self can never be harmed. We are all one, eternal Being. We are sparks of consciousness in a vast and loving Oneness.
The purpose of blame
Blame brought pain into my life but this did serve a purpose. The pain I experienced was my inner compass, my emotional guidance system, letting me know that I was believing something that wasn’t true. My feelings of self-judgement and unworthiness were intense at times and I eventually got the message. Every time I experienced someone blaming me the alarm of my negative feelings was triggered. Each time this happened I received more catalyst for my own learning and expansion. I was profoundly motivated by my emotions to seek deeper self-knowing and spiritual truth. I learned to look within and love myself.
Moving beyond blame
I can no longer find any positive reasons to blame others or to accept blame. It has done its work as a catalyst in my life and I am done with it. I have committed myself to living free of blaming and self-blame forever. There are other ways to learn. This is a time in the evolution of humanity when we no longer have to learn lessons the hard way. We can learn through inspiration rather than through suffering. The purpose of blame has passed.
Blame destroys relationships. It pushes people apart and wears away trust. It erodes health and sanity. It starts wars. It adds a layer of pain and separation to everything it is applied to. And for what? To teach a lesson? To bring justice? To restore balance? I don’t think so.
Blame teaches lessons in fear and pain. Morals, rules and laws based only in fear and pain have had their day. Don’t bring the legacy of the Spanish Inquisition into your home and family life. Don’t accuse your child and declare them to be BAD. Don’t require them to confess their badness and say sorry. Humanity has explored that path for thousands of years and it has resulted only in more fear, anger, illness and war. Positive lessons have been learned through transcending the negative effects of blame but not through the direct experience of it. Blame doesn’t help to solve problems or provide positive guidance. Blame gets in the way of us moving forward. It gets in the way of finding creative solutions that resolve difficult situations.
Finding creative solutions
If we are to abandon blame we must find other ways to respond. There will always be challenges in life. Events will occur that we don’t like. People will say and do things that make us uncomfortable or that cause us to experience loss. What are we to do in these situations?
There is a clear alternative to blame. We must put our trust in our ability to find solutions that serve everyone involved. We can open our hearts and minds to finding positive outcomes and use our creative gifts in this service. This comes naturally as we connect with our true, inner nature. We are all truly divine, wise and loving beings. Difficult circumstances arise in our lives not to punish us, but to serve us. They are calling us towards an experience of our own magnificence. We need to take positive and practical steps to realise this in our lives.
We must learn to speak our truth and to ask for what we want in clear, non-violent ways. Ask for help to clean up the mess that your child has caused. Request compensation for the loss of a possession. Ask for the kindness and care that you want from your partner or your parent, or commit yourself to finding it elsewhere. Ask for guidance from within and follow your intuition towards a solution that suits you. Include everyone involved in finding solutions. Let them all share their point of view and ask for what they want. In the absence of blame people are much more willing to help find a way through. They will see possibilities and opportunities that you have missed. Even small children can get involved and bring their wisdom forward to find a solution. They will invite you to see new perspectives and consider out-of-the-box solutions that are surprisingly effective.
Accept that sometimes the best solution is to simply move on. Feel your feelings. Have a good cry and release all the tension from your body. Grieve if you need to. And then get on with doing what you love to do. Don’t wallow in regret or dwell on the past. Live in the Now and imagine a bright, joyful future for yourself and for all or us.
We are at the end of an era. I want to play my part in creating the New Earth by imagining a world free of blame.
I know the place to start is with myself.
“We’re all stuck in this crazy ride together. Stuck in the same illusion. Endowed with a similar purpose: to explore what it is like to take a planetary civilisation from darkness to light, from ignorance to love – by becoming part of the old, and then through our own transformation process give rise to a new collective reality.” Bentinho Massaro